Cooking with Gas < it isn’t what a picture is of; it is what it’s about>


IMG_1055.jpeg

Hellfire and bleach made available to beat down mnemonic multitudes, whatever volume is required, until that felt sense of fecundity is burned down, distilled to a clean empty canvas.  So many stories told in the flat timbre of the unsurprised, the unseeded, and the chairs arranged in a circle so no one could just sit and stew unnoticed.  The utterances of conscience are elicited, marks on the ledger are made, and at the end each part of the whole stands in place, hands extended like atomized tightrope walkers, forming a circle out of which might be swept the remaining dirt and the plants gone to ash.  

Adjustments.jpeg

Then the ensemble moves from one set of chairs to the next, bumping into walls and knocking done lamps, as though blindfolded or new to the idea of limbs, disaggregating into a white-walled kitchen with three bare bulbs and a coarse wood table and bench on which sits a cone of smoldering incense.

IMG_1049.jpeg

On the range, above the blue flickering flame, so many seemingly empty pots simmer and steam, containing round flat stones that fit in a palm and might in another moment skip across a lake in every smaller concentric circles. In the water’s bubbling persistence they rattle in staccato rhythm, so that the flavor of time itself may be leeched out and thicken the broth.  Some salt is added, tumeric too. Piles of squared potatoes and little tubes of celery, slid from the cutting board into each pot, in roughly equal portion.

IMG_1057.jpeg

The upshot - what passes for gruel in this gulag of modernity -is eventually doled out in steaming bowls and spoons with empty centers.  Slurp slurp, and aeons go by before the tip of the thick burned tongue touches the mouth’s roof and it all hits at once, the bad acts recounted, the gratitude declaimed and quantified, the predicate to the meal becoming the object of its consumption, the way a cacophony of a crowded classroom resolves itself to silence when the teacher stands up to the podium and first looks up from the text.

Demimonde, Metonym, Slingshot Pulse

Towed onward toward a slick fate of unparalleled success or immeasurable disappointment . . . But also this, by way of lemongrass curry and papaya salad:

IMG_1040.jpeg

Reading City on Fire and every single habeas corpus case challenging a four-level enhancement for use of a dangerous weapon on which I can place my hands, cleaning up with sodden paper towels the mess deposited by an old dog who should know better than to eat ornaments of flour salt red oil paint and glitter which mess made of the tan carpet a pink mottled microcosm, and sipping coffee filched from a halfway house at which the tired wearied palsied woe-be-gones had gathered along with the con artists the hustlers the slide-bys the schemers and the recently paroled.

it was the moon during which white styrofoam was the order of the day.


IMG_1043.jpeg

Sleep scrim / desultory denizen

Recognize that the all-time best ever is always memory’s quarry. As though a moment ground into powder and pondered over a cup of late night coffee can define the outer edges of its own aspiration. Hobgoblins and jerry-rigged dream ephemera circle round enumerated to-do lists and the just-missed bon-mot juste that could’ve been uttered and pushed the skiff of that unsavory conversation back to shore. The sound it makes when run aground against sand, the scrape of arrival: that is what waking up to this knowledge feels like.

IMG_0945.jpeg
IMG_0917.jpeg
IMG_0881.jpeg

21st Century Public Intellectual


1.

Agnes Callard on the Basic Game, the Importance Game, and the Leveling Game . . .

2.
Agnes Callard on considering having an abortion, talking about or not talking about/being able to talk about or not being able to talk about considering having one, and having an abortion . . .

Under those circumstances, the question takes a practical, deliberative form: should I have an abortion? I discussed my predicament with a number of people: my husband, friends, family members and even a conference room full of philosophers at the annual Eastern American Philosophical Association meeting. I discovered that people—even committed pro-choicers—cannot handle this question. A friend wrote: “I do not believe in any kind of soul, so for me there is clearly a window where ‘the A-word’ is not a moral dilemma for a woman.” Notice: he thinks there is no moral dilemma, but nonetheless he cannot bring himself to use “the A-word.”

At the philosophy conference I was one of three speakers on a panel. In the question period—this was a first for me—not a single question was directed at me. Indeed, it seemed to me as I scanned the room that the members of the audience were avoiding making eye contact with me. At the end of the session, one person came up to talk to me—not to discuss the arguments I had made, or follow up on some point needing clarification—but to assure me that she would keep what I had revealed confidential.

I think if instead of “I am considering having an abortion” I had said, “I have had an abortion” or “I am planning to have an abortion,” they could have managed the overshare much better. I would have encountered a supportive, sympathetic response, which they could have set aside to focus on the (interesting!) philosophical point about misogyny and domination that I was using my own predicament to illustrate. If I had allowed them to “read” my situation as one of ridding oneself of a clump of cells, they could have moved past the personal narrative to the philosophical problem.

Earning Sloth

Today began with worry. Insistent committee members in my head - more than sufficient to constitute a quorum - voiced any number of reasons why worry ought to sit at the head of the table. I remonstrated. I swallowed a pill. Before the sun came up, after the coffee was made, clothes were folded and put away, checklists were underlined and all the while, the worry pulsated and grew. What needed to be done would take up more than I had. If it got done, it wouldn’t measure up, and havoc would be wreaked.

All of that may still be true, but the work got done. The draft is in the hopper. The drive is shoveled. The new set of brushes and trowels are tucked away underneath cheap cylinders of acrylic paint. Ross Gay’s Book of Delights at hand, with some intermittent scribbling and circling my toe on the flank of the sleeping dog.

Non Sequitur III.A, Aubergine Rafter Makes a Bid


stanchion.jpg

Art is and isn’t my inheritance. 

I like fat globules of paint, smeared and coagulated, that resolve into a face I might encounter in wandering Primrose Hill. 

I like entering the Louvre and standing in front of diaphanous lily pads as crowds of tourists stream past me, none of them the wiser that I stand there, ascendant, in equally diaphanous lingerie from a Parisian atelier that hugs tight to and traces my body’s lines and creates a form that is worthy of the view and that costs more to create than my fellowship’s stipend might bear. 

I like worshipping more-or-less squared color hovering over more-or-less squared color in a chapel that is a refuge from the suffocating swelter of Houston summer and the sundry homeless men who leer at me with a hand out. 

I like renting a Jeep at the airport in Salt Lake, trying and failing to differentiate the officially famous spiral from the anonymous spirals down which all infamy drains away, and then – as recompense or absolution, who knows? – taking pictures on a vintage Polaroid of road-kill snakes smeared across the highway, shaking them between thumb and forefinger with as much signifying patience as I can muster. 

I like watching and rewinding and watching again that video of a man who stands, ready willing and able to be shot, and who – once the bullet breaks the skin and passes through like a miracle without shattering his humerus – embraces that absurd burden of resuming the life of an artist, of violence’s self-appointed victim.  

I like the tall Muppet singing the song of Lewitt. 

I like to read about the moment when the artist in delectio flagrante with the collector – this fucking and being fucked by, the art itself – starts to cry out, hot bothered ecstatic and coming, knowing at some point this will all be shown within four walls of some institution.  Some day I hope to see it with my own two eyes.  My pulse quickens at the thought, I confess. 

But – the rub – I also like having pocket money to buy espresso on Houston Street and walking down the avenues, armed with artisanal cheese made by freedom-loving people who raise freedom-having cows or goats, as the case may be, in the Hudson Valley, with my camera documentation machine in tow, taking pictures that I might later develop and mount to canvas I’ve left back at my hostel, which (I promise) I will leave outside the Frick for some passerby before I go off on another saunter.   

All of which is to say that my interest in this fellowship is mercenary, in the sense that it offers a bank of time within which to make things and a bank of money by which I may buy more time to make things and see and consume things that make me want to make more things.  I want above all to be liberated, but I will settle for these mutually reinforcing banks. 

And, because I am the unclaimed love-child of artworld monarchy, I feel it is time to claim my inheritance.  Or my dowry.  If there is a difference.  . 

So, I humbly request not only that you admit me into your program, but also that you go into the vault of whatever largesse is at your disposal and gather up a wad sufficient to underwrite the graduate phase of my education that will (I hope) culminate in my coming-out-party.  

I will be your debutante.  Do not be stingy. 

portable milking stanchion.jpg

Non Sequitur LIVX: Sibling Semantics, Taxoplasmosis of the Soul, the Well-Flayed Supplicant

Dear Greaseball:

It is said that there is a certain bacteria that lives to procreate in the guts of a cat, and that to ensure that it can reach paradise, it makes its way into mice, takes over their minds to make them less inhabited and to have a strange attraction toward the risk that cats create, and then – once the adventurous mice are made into a cat’s meal – the bacteria have reached the holy land. Also that if you are pregnant you should not have cats and certainly shouldn’t go near the litterbox, where they poop out the newly-spawned bacteria which may end up trying to infiltrate mom and take the still-forming baby as a host.

It is possible that none of this is in fact said. I am going off a dim memory I had of having heard it said by someone who had an authoritative voice, and it seemed not only possible but likely that things like this happen in this world. And I wonder, dear brother, as a nascent man of science, why you wouldn’t embark on a choice of study that would permit you to track the bacteria, to document its zombifying tendencies? Why not choose something as interesting as gestation, and childbirth, and obstetrics? It is about life after all. One new human emerging out of another human being. Cutting the cord. But no, I am told by our father that you are inclined to seek a residency in dermatology. Moles. Patent and emergent maculopapular rashes. Impetigo and ecchymosis bone rampant. Discolored abrasions, subcutaneous wrinkles, and topological dents bullae. Desquamation and hypopigmentation. Xeroderma, also rampant, unfettered. Self-propagating skin-eating bacteria. Abscesses, vesicles, and bullae. For real? This is the small square of the medical world in which you will stake your claim?

I agree with Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto, but may I also suggest that there are certain skin disorders into which, for the sake of your sanity and sleep, you need never make further inquiry. Also, I sense a tinge of self-loathing here, a resurrection of the plangent boy I used to know. Is this because of the pimples when you were 15? The gentrifying sprawl of acne that planted itself across your cheeks and your weak chin? You have outgrown it. Don’t make of it a prison.

It is bad enough that you have abandoned solidarity with the people to try to rise above so you can live in a gated community with people who drive yellow sports cars and think getting enemas is a sign of good taste. That you will accept the white-coated largesse and concentrate in RVUs and CPT codes, rather than make like a modern day Che and go help the lepers on their concentric island. And yes, I know of what I speak. If I thought you took to dermatology for the lepers, I would be singing a different song.

Please do drop a line and let me know what the agenda holds in store for Memorial Day. I intend to claw out from underneath the pile of private placement memorandums and prospectuses for long enough to obtain a sunburn and drink myself into several soporific stupors, and I should hasten to do so before you become an expert in all the ways that I will pay for the present pleasure at a later date.

Your monkey-minded compatriot and chromosomal mirror,

D.

 

prevalence of skin conditions.png
tumblr_mxjq8cjrwJ1rhvmg4o1_250.jpg
Exquisite pain Hirst.jpg
St Bartholomew Matteo di Giovanni 1408.jpg

Asphyxiated by Commerce

 

In the name of not taking things seriously or not being taken seriously or not taking myself too seriously:

I am increasingly excited to attend a brilliant friend’s wedding, in an environment I have never visited:   the South.  It is not the genteel south or the dirty south but like the rustbelt south (maybe?) which I find brilliant-friend-appropriate.  I was in Atlanta in the eighth grade.  I watched a boy in one of my host-student’s classes beshit himself at the top of Stone Mountain.  Things did not get easier for him that afternoon.


cyber-insurance catastrophe model.PNG

The Answer is: because. I don’t know if your elementary school teachers frowned upon the use of “because” as an autonomous answer . . . (I’ve never harbored any active resentment towards that interdiction.) But since it’s a fundamentally impertinent answer (as teachers well know), it occasionally comes to mind automatically, knee-jerky.


saville red stare head.jpg

Standing desk woes:   I mean, yes, you are standing and getting things done.  If you have two screens and you go back and forth between them, there is a vague sense that you have a lot of things afoot and you need to scroll from one screen to the other to get it all done in time.  But you spend a lot of time standing.  That this is the realization of the idea does not change how the realized idea works in actuality. 

This points to a basic flaw in my navigating-through-life approach:  rarely can I predict with any accuracy how I will actually respond to a given situation, once it comes about.  Like living alone, for instance.  Or like failing to take down the tree on January 2, 2020, as I had intended, and now feeling like taking down the tree is the most difficult, most labor-intensive thing that could be done.  Who knew that 5 days could transform a mundane task into something requiring Herculean efforts?   Satisficing reigns in terms of what actual experience is like compared to what it seemed like it might be like, at the time, in the not-too-distant past, when I was contemplating it.   Satisficing is a clear unimpeachable win for a poor predictor of future self responses, like me.


 

Mirra-Classics-1.jpg

A client, ambivalent about taking a step that is by rights necessary and that will either be taken now, with some effect, or else taken in six months, with dullened effect, says:  I’m not sure we want things to get messy.  The response:  We are in the business of Getting Messy.  It is that which we do.

 That was in a civil matter where only money and livelihoods and reputations and life-lived-as-we-know-it are at stake.  Criminal matters can go even further down that road.  Each sub-culture of a given profession has the equivalent of gallows humor.  This profession is one where there may actually be gas-chambers (no longer gallows) at the end of the road, and certainly decades spent in a prison cell.  It is hard to know how to lighten that mood – to take in stride that this eventually ends up in a no-good, very-bad place.  Prison itself is filled with hilarious people.  Also unmitigated misery.  That too.  


 

I am anti-cat art.  Somewhere, a meowing cat takes a break to lap milk from a bowl.  I am sure that it is, in the moment, mildly endearing.  But no need to make art out of it.  Of late the things I make art out of start with blue painter tape that carves up a small canvas into different sections, very amateurish renderings of a figure with his or her mouth open in a scream (sometimes with arms up in a V), and clumsy renderings of Buddhist heads like one print I saw in a DT Suzuki book I bought at the eponymous DT Suzuki museum.  (It was very white and angular.)   onto the canvas I tend to brush horizontally, with a sponge type brush, splatted paint from an art kit that the giver of the repulsive gift left at the house.   I fail at achieving abject maximalism.  Sometimes I fail at tearing the blue painter’s tape off in one piece.


diving board.jpg

Asphyxiated by commerce is as good a description of the second-half of the second decade of the 21st century as I’ve yet come across, or coined, I forget which.

The Temptation Assumption Function of Totalized Fracture and Voluntary Exit

  1. Differential Diagnosis (1)

On the hand, we have a setup that is pitched to the worst excesses of human depravity and groupthink. This is less a function of information overload, then targeted distribution of bias within a relatively-closed system:

our information ecosystem no longer assists us in reaching consensus. In fact, it structurally discourages it, and instead facilitates a dissensus of bespoke pseudo-realities.  [Mediating Consent, R. DiResta]

Red team channel read by, consumed by, and indirectly funded by read team players. Blue team channel read by, consumed by, etc. So far, so facile, but not inaccurately so.

It is not hard to envision a corporate cultural shift and bifurcation that follows hard on the heels of this division. The choice is less Colgate or Crest by which to whiten one’s teeth, but red team brand v. blue team brand. This may not seem so much a consumer- or citizen-driven outcome as the strategic resolution of the Prisoner’s Dilemma imported into the Fortune 500. Who will first pull the pin on the grenade and accept that a full or nearly full share of half the market is more desirable than trying to strike the razor’s-edge equilibrium of messaging to two or more disparate groups who achieve self-definition by way of opposition to the outgroup Other? This is one way in which the choice fatigue dilemma solves itself.


IMG_0882.jpeg

2. Differential Diagnosis (2)

Over and above the internal fault-line fracturing, the other shoe falls via indiscriminate external authors of systemic threats. It may not matter whether these come clothed in ideologies espousing specific political or commercial ends, or embracing a hodgepodge of philosophically confused, but no-less-virulent strands of nihilism and destruction-as-entertainment. We did it to gain power or earn chits, we did it because we could, we did it because why not, we did it because we were bored (or more likely, I alone did it because I was bored).

The temptation to answer to complex risk with complex analysis occasions the parable of the eye for an eye making the whole world blind, especially when the party assigned with managing complex risk by way of undertaking complex analysis has its own designs on ubiquitous access to information and, if not actual control of, at least seamless penetration into, the channels by which information flows. Thereby, the parable of the canny fox guarding the henhouse. Have confidence that a whetted appetite may give way to predation (whereby protein labeled internal threat becomes a meal), and in the same breath have doubt that the appetite to protect against external threat - if for no other reason than to keep this good thing going - will suffice.

IMG_0879.jpeg

An archetype of garbage in/garbage out arises when the sum of known threats is calculated in a form of analysis that is impenetrable on its own terms. To wit:

atl_wall_chart.jpg

Is it so irresponsible, then, to turn off every news feed and go about marshaling whatever energies may be marshaled into the idea of the Beautiful? Not so much out of hedonism or an aesthete’s self-satisfying ardor, but because tuning out and dropping out (exit) achieves a coherence and Hippocratic-oath salience that seems beyond the grasp of engagement (voice). Maybe, maybe not, but responsibility aside, it seems worthwhile to attend to the possibility that the Beautiful also exists in the futile absurd, which can be observed accidentally/in the breach or with a strange kind of intentionality that remains available to the faithless. But is that a kind of keeping faith or just a kind of keeping score? All rights reserved, and more after the commercial break . . .

The Mouth of the Furnace, the Clinch of the Image, the Gestating Finality of the Exit Wound


IMG_0878.jpeg

RESOLVED that the practical apparition of having a past commitment to the idea of a lifelong enmeshment no longer haunts or will be recognized for its haunting effect;

RESOLVED that the fixated too-muchness of drip from a bloody nose into the slanted white sink will suffice as a stand-in for a sacrament;

RESOLVED that generic genetic predisposition will scuff and adumbrate, slacken and contort, but will bear no more significance than the happenstance of being caught in a calming rain and walking for blocks with unbloomed umbrella in hand;

RESOLVED that the scratch and tickle of ego asking or demanding to be let loose will wherever possible be tamped down and sequestered, though no law will register as self-evident or self-enabling . . .

IMG_0875.jpeg

I reckon — when I count at all

Reading prison novel in a blizzard. Were I a twitterer, I would have pithy quotes to send out into the ether. Instead, into this echo chamber, striding like a colossus in my own mind, go I.

a.

A section from emmanuel carrere’s the kingdom reduces the gospels to the words Jesus spoke directly, which appear in both Luke and Mark. Having read them twice last night and again this morning, it’s possible I know not a single Christian.

IMG_0174.jpeg

b.

Maps and art about maps predominate in my ever-revolving canon. Qui Zhijie and his total art work are on the playlist on a weekly if not daily basis. Last night I revisited a monograph on Jasper Johns by Michael Crichton (yes, that one) and came across this quote from Kozloff:

[the artist is] playing with the notion of measurement, in which the locked-in, diagrammatic in-scale dimensions of map images are contrasted with the virtually gratuitous dimensions of painterly gestures, the two being mutually usurped.

Crichton goes on to gloss the point:

Another way to say it is to observe that the artist produces an isolation between the map (an abstraction representing something) and the painting of the map (an abstraction representing an abstraction) in such a way that multiple ways of looking are simultaneously apparent.


IMG_0833.jpeg

Mono-no-aware, late December


Shortly after Thanksgiving, I came down with a case of the Taking Everything Too Seriously.   It is easy to forget that we are protean bags of carbon meat strung up on breakable calcium assemblages, riding on a consolidated speck of dust in a big black expanding container of cavernous nothingness.  And remembering not to forget that helps, especially when coupled with healthy dose of mind-clutch (Glass Irony & God, Leaves of Grass, Human-All-Too-Human vis-à-vis Negotiations, Lethem, Kushner) and earworms (Lamar H.U.M.B.L.E., enter the 36 chambers, Beethoven’s Ninth, Aja).   Also remembering that we are here, so mine as well play a little.  Whether we are put here or placed here or just end up here, there is nowhere else.  More or less.

So I got a haircut with a different style – a “buzz-cut,” as was the middle school parlance – bought some clothes and shoes and art I want but don’t need, and tried, just now, in this second successive night/morning of post-holiday insomnia, to discern whether this pattern of self-seriousness had anything to do with the spirit of evasiveness (having no truck with the idea that the Redeemer is born, or that the man in the sled is bringing all us good ones presents) that seems, well, presently pervasive. And it seems likely.

Still, it’s not just the reason for the season that factors into it. There are other exterior conditional forces that might help explain why play remains elusive.  For example, we are in that time of mid-winter graying when all the plows kick up the slush and dirt and gather it on the side of the narrowing streets in flotsam piles and similar et cetera gathers in the storm drains.  Chicago in winter was the grayest; for whatever reason, whenever I used to visit Minneapolis it seemed the dirtiest, which can’t be the case, but memory serves, apparently.  Here in the Biggest City in the 605, the mid-winter grays are worst when cloud cover keeps the sun at bay and the light of morning just kind of seeps in, so that the early-morning DT sufferers, slowly shuffling amidst what passes for urban landscape, are apparitions on the wet black bough and hundreds of headlights pick them out in stop-motion pointillism. 

Annotation 2019-11-25 145611.png

I’m not saying I’m depressed – sleep-deprived, yes, but par for the course – I’m just saying that taking in the word-historical events in this milieu while also being encouraged to take stock of the decade, is too much.  So I am striving, in true 2nd-generation-American Midwest fashion, to dig sideways out of this climactic hole into a different hole where the scaffolding might be more easily reached.

I had the interesting experience of a 102 degree fever on Christmas Eve, and the shimmering perception that resulted was not altogether unpleasant. Also made my first contribution to what passes for a festschrift in this Philistine 605, and that was both an honor and a reminder that I am of the age and station in life where being asked to make such a contribution is a thing.

Recapturing play was a little easier after I put together the 60-piece wooden play Veterinarian set, which made Ikea furniture assembly look like putting a straw through a lid, and the invariable squeals of delight and surprising selective euphoria (who knew that a 2-oz container of Play-Dough would take the top prize?) vastly reduced my self-obsessive streak. All to the good, as it is said.

Incidentally but not unrelatedly, it took nearly four decades for me what is being served by the message that being good means you get stuff and being bad means you don’t.

centralized decentralized distributed 2019.12.26.png

Limn.

Winter-Gray

:

This might apply indirectly or subliminally


Windmill proximity: sleep disturbance, headache, tinnitus, ear pressure, dizziness, vertigo, nausea, visual blurring, tachycardia, irritability, problems with concentration and memory, and panic episodes associated with sensations of internal pulsation or quivering when awake or asleep


Adjustments.jpeg

Beyond the aforementioned mind-clutch, December has been manic work and little time carved out for consumption, but consumption waits for no man, and of late includes:

READ:

The Map and the Territory, Houllebecq

Life Undercover:  Coming of Age in the CIA, Fox Owens, Laura (Whitney Monograph)

Wyndham Lewis on Art (doorstopper, smells of musty Hyde Park used bookstore)

Schjeldahl on dying    

READING:

Book of Delights, Gay (1/3 of the way)

Where the Sidewalk Ends (we read whatever picture makes us stop flipping)

The Cut, Pelecanos

Vernon Subutex 1, Despentes

Negotiations

Essays, Critical and Clinical

Duty Free Art:  Art in the Age of Planetary Civil War, Steyerl

qui+zjijie+callligraphy1.jpg